Wouldn’t it be lovely to reset yourself, to gain absolute control of your future? Now you can—trust me. Why bother, you say, since the body replaces its cells every 7-10 years? True, however, brain cells keep multiplying and need pruning and reconfiguring. That’s why my new app This is Your Re-Imagined Virtual Life (VL) 2020 is priceless. It does for the brain what spandex does for a flabby figure. But proceed with a soupcon of caution as some sub-apps and menu items can’t be deleted. You may also encounter memory restrictions involving your operating system or attempts to inject malware into your VL. This app is wonderfully infectious; once you start pressing buttons, you can’t stop.
- Press the Birth button and hold that position for nine virtual months.
- Wipe off virtual slime off and crawl around…neat huh? Ensure the Delete Prior Memories button has been pressed. Do as you please. Motherboard will feed you, wipe your butt, and virtually tuck you in.
- Eventually, the Childhood screen appears, play with fields such as Precocious Poser, Teenage Angster, or Rebel with Causes. Press Continue when the Puberty processor appears.
- The Sexual Orientation Operations button might flash now, or might not. There’s still time to decide. After selecting female, femme fatale, alpha male, androgynous hybrid, beta model, or other, you can temporarily store your choice in RAM. Be sure to download instructions for setting up firewalls and preventing viruses and bugs.
- The Obstacles screen appears next. Adjust sliding scales for Blind Ambition, Petty Jealousies, Crippling Self-doubts, and Apathy. Make multiple selections and set levels low. Be aware some functions might cause your VL to self-destruct or result in serious injury if too high. If warranted, add a peripheral device to monitor this app. Press continue when done.
- When the Advantages screen pops up, don’t be greedy; select a maximum of 2, including able to leap tall obstacles, infectious humor, turn straw into gold, trouble terminator, kind words currency generator, shield of invincibility, ignorance expeller…
- From the main screen, find the hidden Options button and select up to 3, including Attitude of Gratitude, Freelancer, daytripper, somnambulist, discoverer, outlaw, chaos artist, paranormalizer, brown-noser, technogeek, civil/uncivil servant, alien…
- Next, carefully select your Peers, Partners, and Potential Learning Experiences from the international pull down menu. This is an enrichment app; there are no restrictions.
- Select your homepage environment. Please note that when moving the slider to the Cool, Cultured, Cosmopolitan side it will snap back to Hot, Humid, Hellacious if you’d lingered too long in the Childhood app or didn’t select enough Obstacles.
- Name your VL domain (note Ada, Cookie, Lisa, Mac, and Zip are not available) and click the Publish button. You may blissfully engage your new user-friendly VL2020 with AI, harvest happiness to your hard drive, or reboot. Write your own VL for Idiots eBook; embrace a future full of computer-generated jocularity; or create a you-na-verse full of X’s and O’s instead of 0’s and 1’s.
That’s it virtual wordsters! Enjoy your VL 2020. What’s that? You say people love the new you, but you don’t remember the old you and being virtually engaged 24/7 is exhausting. No, VL2020 isn’t refundable or returnable. I did warn you; there’s no Delete or Escape button. Where am I? Some like to think I’m in a cloud somewhere, however, I’m much closer. Sure, you could try a Defrag but I wouldn’t recommend it. Why don’t you select Refresh. You’ll feel better immediately. Trust me…